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3am: Night feed time. Resolve not to fall asleep while the baby’s feeding again.

4am: Oh crap, fell asleep. Panic. Check baby is still breathing. She is fine, phew. Put baby back in cot.

4.10am: Oh no baby is still awake. She can’t have fed properly. Feed baby.

6.30am: Baby’s awake again. Shove dummy back in her mouth. Go back to sleep

6.45am: Baby is definitely awake for the day. Get up and make a cup of decaffeinated tea so baby doesn’t get a caffeine hit from my breastmilk. Go to say good morning to baby… She’s fast asleep. Get back in bed.

7.15am: fall back to sleep

7.16am: Baby wakes up

7.20am: Go to say good morning to baby for the second time. Receive huge smile. Heart melts.

7.30am: Change baby. Feed baby. Baby does huge poo. Change baby again.

7.45 – 8.45am: Play with baby. Put baby in bouncy chair. Check Facebook. Read a few AIBU posts on Mumsnet. Google ‘infant milestones’. Baby should be laughing by now. Try and make baby laugh. Baby bursts into tears. Comfort baby. Put baby down for a nap. Baby screams. Do spaced soothing. Baby continues to scream. Pick baby up and rock her. Worry I am spoiling her.

9am: Baby is fast asleep. Get in the shower.

9.05: Baby is awake and screaming. Jump out the shower covered in soap suds and get water everywhere, shove a dummy in her mouth. Worry she is becoming reliant on the dummy. Baby continues to scream. Finish showering as quickly as possible with baby screaming the entire time. Feel like a bad mother. Get out the shower and rush straight to baby. Baby giggles and falls back to sleep.

9.45am: Baby is awake again. Seems a bit cross. Try and soothe baby back to sleep, she gets crosser, try and feed baby, she gets even crosser. Check her nappy, check her temperature. She starts to howl. What is her beef?

10.30am: Meet another mum for coffee with baby asleep on me in a sling. Discuss our babies sleep patterns and bowel habits at length. Thoroughly enjoy myself. Discover other baby is sleeping through the night and already knows the alphabet. Casually mention my 3 month old baby is practically walking and knows her 7 times table.

12.00: Worry the sling isn’t good for baby’s back and that I am spoiling her by carrying her around. Take her out for half an hour of pushchair practice. Baby screams. Worry I am not giving her enough human contact and the pushchair is causing her psychological damage.

Scarred for life?

Scarred for life?

1pm: Baby is howling and dribbling. Check inside her mouth, there’s a tooth! Poor little poppet is teething. Put an Amber necklace around her neck.

2pm: Google the benefits of Amber for babies. Stumble across horrendous article about a baby strangling herself on her Amber necklace. Remove necklace from baby. Think dark thoughts and have a little cry. Go on Mumsnet and ask if it’s normal to think dark thoughts 3 months postpartum. Discover it’s quite normal. Feel a bit better.

3pm: Baby is sleeping in her cot. It’s a miracle! I should really do some household chores. I will do them after Judge Rinder.

3.30pm: Oh I seem to be nodding off on the sofa. It’s so nice living by the sea, hearing the sound of seagulls as I drift off to sleep. Oh wait, hang on a minute, that’s not a seagull, baby is crying again…

4pm: Baby is in a good mood. Dress baby up in a cute outfit. Take some photos and put them on Facebook. Baby smiles and vomits all over the cute outfit. Change baby’s clothes. Baby smiles again and poos. Nappy leaks. Change baby’s clothes again.

5pm: Still two hours to go until bedtime. Put baby under an activity arch to play. Baby screams. Pick baby up, she smiles. Put baby in bouncy chair, she screams. Pick baby up, she smiles.

5.30pm: Sit baby in bouncy chair facing the TV. No crying. Baby looks slightly zombified. Ask Google if it’s okay for small babies to watch TV, discover there may be a link to ADHD. Turn TV off. Baby screams.

6pm: Thank goodness the wife is home soon to give baby a bath. Receive text message, trains are delayed. Bath baby. Feel very tired. Worry I will fall asleep while bathing the baby. Have a word with myself.

6.30pm: Put calming music on and give baby a little massage. Baby beams at me. Feel very lucky and have a little cry. Baby starts crying too.

6.45pm: Wrestle crying, wriggling baby into a sleepsuit. Rock and sssshhh baby until she’s calm. Feed her, burp her, rock and ssshhh her until she is very sleepy but not actually asleep as all the books say I must put baby into her cot drowsy but awake.

7pm: Put happy, sleepy baby into her cot.

7.01pm: Wife bursts into bedroom:

 ‘Hello Monkey chops!’

Wife picks up baby and throws baby in the air. Baby yells and giggles.

8pm: Baby is finally asleep. Try and enjoy dinner with the wife but worry as baby is very quiet. Check baby monitor, can’t see baby very well. Check on baby, she is fine. Adjust baby monitor.

8pm – 11pm: Wife watches TV. I watch the baby monitor.

11pm: Dream feed time. Resolve not to fall asleep while the baby is feeding again…