Ever got really drunk on a work night out and spent the following day cringing in embarrassment and hiding from colleagues?
If so, spare a thought for a poor lad in the office above me who recently got himself into an almighty pickle following an afternoon boozing session.
Dave (not his real name) is a 26-year-old experienced professional. Young enough to drink irresponsibly, yet old enough to be able to handle it… or so he thought.
Dave and his colleagues went out for lunch on a Wednesday. Lunch turned into a few drinks which then turned into a bar crawl. Very soon Dave was inebriated.
Before he knew it, midnight had struck and it was time to get the last tube home. Off he stumbled to the tube station, only to find the gates closed and the last tube already departed.
Unfortunately this is often the case in London and is generally only a minor setback. The rich get a cab, the poor get a night bus and the brave set off walking. Dave, however, did not choose any of these options.
Perhaps he had no money and was far from home?
The next logical step would be to call on a friend or colleague and see if they could lend him the money to get home or provide a sofa for him to sleep on. Dave was not thinking logically and did not choose this option.
Dave decided to go back to work and sleep in the office for the night.
I can actually understand his reasoning.
We can all remember drinking too much on a school night in our 20s, forgetting how challenging work can be with a mega hangover. There is nothing worse than drunkenly setting your alarm for 6.00am when it’s already gone 3am and knowing the following day is going to be truly horrible. Even if you make it to work without vomiting on the tube, having to be polite, professional and competent after so much booze and so little sleep is not a pleasant experience.
Men have much less morning admin than women. No need for makeup or a hairdryer and they can live without moisturiser and toothpaste.
In fact, if I was a man I would probably have opted to sleep in the office too. A quick wash in the work toilets and a Polo mint and I would be all set for the day. As an added bonus, everyone would be impressed you were the first person into work, despite being out drinking the night before.
Dave arrived back at the office around 1.30am, all set to spend the night sleeping under his desk. The only problem was Dave didn’t have a key to the building.
Dave therefore decided to scale the wall and break in through the window.
Up the drainpipe he climbed to the 4th floor of the building, where he smashed the window of the ladies toilets to gain access. Pulling himself through the broken glass, acquiring a few cuts and bruises in the process, he made his way to his office.
Dave then found he did not have a key to his office either…
So he kicked the door in.
Mission accomplished, Dave happily took off all his clothes and fell fast asleep.
SIX HOURS LATER
The cleaner arrived in the office and was disturbed to find shards of broken glass, blood and a pile of discarded clothes on the floor. Peeking around the corner to the office, she was horrified to discover a blood-stained naked man, fast asleep on the floor holding his penis in his hand.
She immediately called 999 and informed the police they needed to come immediately as there was a naked pervert asleep in the office.
The police arrived fairly soon, but found it challenging to wake Dave from his slumber. By the time his colleagues arrived into work on Thursday morning, Dave had woken up, but unfortunately had not had the chance to explain himself, or put his clothes back on.
Dave was handcuffed and escorted naked out of the building as all his colleagues looked on in astonishment.
Apparently, he spent the rest of the day in a police cell before being charged with breaking and entering and public indecency.
Unsurprisingly, Dave never returned to work and was never seen or heard of again.
Better luck next time hey Dave?