If you love a good gossip, try travelling in London without your headphones – there’s never a dull moment:

I’ve got some really good porn on this mobile, proper offensive.

There are two kinds of trees: evergreen and deciduous. And they were both made by God.  

You have a poncho? I have a poncho too! High Five!

“Sick” means “really good”. Can you believe it? Ask anyone under 25 and they’ll tell you. 

Friendly bacteria can fuck right off.  

Excuse me… you’re snoring.  

It’s mocktails for me from now on.  

Mum, my bum feels bad.

She’s short, she’s Scottish and she’s weird.

Does black toast give you cancer?

I like my coffee like my men, sweet and milky.

I fucking hate the Northern Line.

That kid has really evil eyes.  

You can’t beat a crisp, freshly-ironed light blue shirt.

What happened to the fat woman who runs the organic cafe?

If you want to get a big bird, you need a big worm. 

This is no time for speaking in tongues. 

Hello! Yes! We met last week, I think.  

Why did he run away when you asked him if he wanted something to eat?  

In hindsight, no, I shouldn’t have married him.  

It’s just bitter grapes, is all.

Why are the Chinese so underrepresented in porn?  

What perfume am I wearing? It’s called Febreze.  

She sellotaped her face to a dog.  

It’s quite cool using her car… because of course she’s got one of those disabled stickers  

I’m a size 12, but I can be a size 8 any time I like.

I’m gonna teach you how to use ugly men for money and shoes.  

I love gospel. I swear, I’d be religious if I was black.  

He dumped her because she wasn’t me.  

Do you think Marmite was made to spite people?

They say blind people never actually fall asleep.    

There’s no stigma attached to Marks and Spencers anymore.

When I touch her buttons nothing happens.  

His pillowcase has seen better days.

Have you noticed how many people on the tube look like Vladimir Putin?

My mate got knocked out by a lesbian called Nose Bleed.  

Have I ever told you about the time I nearly choked on a carrot in a falafel shop in Amsterdam?  

I hate it when you’re feeding the ducks and there’s one duck eating all the bread. I think it’s just unfair.

I got groped in a pyramid once.


He said it was big, but I have to say I wasn’t expecting it to be that big…. pheweeee!

You’re never gonna win the lottery using them numbers  

You don’t have to stick your arm out and hail the train… it will stop anyway.  

Last time I was down for the marathon, I took the whole family to the Tate Modern.

To be honest, I have a hard time believing you when you talk with that accent.

There is milk in the house, we just don’t know where it is.

I’ve got one of those little pigs that you can use as a hoover.    

If I had known he was German I wouldn’t have bothered.  

Who would abandon a lovely child like you?  

And I’m telling you that you’re gonna need a raincoat. 

He’s the equivalent of one of those shit jokes you get in crackers.  

You can’t sit down for free newspapers.

He’s got really arrogant since he got his Motorhead jacket. He doesn’t want to know me anymore.

I still reek of bin bags.  

They’re trying to get her into a church school.

She’s quite pretty but she looks a bit like a goose or something.

I only dance to slow songs.

I dunno. I think she’s might find it a bit conventional.

I’ve still got that sachet of wet towels from the Turkish restaurant.

He looked at me and then sniffed his fingers.

I don’t like it when old women wear sports jackets.    

You can’t tie someone up with nylon.  

Imogen, would you CALM DOWN!

Just shove everything in a blender. It will taste like shit but it’s probably good for you.

Don’t trust Dave. He’s too emotional at the moment.  

Kevin has a bible on his dashboard. You have to admit that’s odd.

I think your flowers are dead.

He’s one of those posh guys who is going bald and has very red cheeks.

A turkey sandwich? It’s not Christmas.