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Don’t you just love it when you walk past a couple of people who are talking to each other intently and you catch a tiny snippet of their conversation?

The below are my personal “best of” heard on the London Underground.

Brian, did you put my other hair extension in your bag?

What do you like doing at weekends? Do you do the crosswords?
 
You’re not getting married are you? Really? Golly.

She must have been sick. It’s all over her shoes.
 
Why not just barge past me and push me out the way, eh? Twat.
 
Mandelson’s got one of those goblin faces. Like Jordan.

Where’s all these pigeons I’ve heard so much about?

Me and Jackie were going to head into town but it’s roastin’ so we’re goin’ home.
 
A frying pan for 99p? There’s got to be something wrong with it.

I just came downstairs and she was lying on the table.

I think my Dad must be a virgin.

On YouTube there’s this video of a guy in a K-hole and he’s on a beach and they bury him alive.

What am I gonna do with 200 metres of dental floss?

It wasn’t the best conversation. She doesn’t really have a grasp of sarcasm.

We found a live frog in the cat’s water bowl with its hands over its eyes!

These little banana sweets. They used to be soft. Now they’re rock ‘ard.

Do you want an extra strong mint? I’ve got one in my pocket.

Looks like you’ve been snortin’ mate… all over your face!

He can’t have shaved down there in all his 40 years, I’ve re-named him “Tim Nice But Needs A Trim”.

I knew he was a bit different because of the way he tucks his shirt in.

Another Friday, another punch-up outside The Slug and Lettuce.

You can’t eat it… it’s cocoa butter.
 
I had sex with Abbie last night. Don’t tell her though, cause she was asleep.

Is he still banging on about Lisa Stansfield?

It’s just like speed dating, but you get to paint a pot too!
 
Bikes were not invented for my body shape.

Have you tried having fun without drinking? It’s not easy.

She’s not allowed to have a chequebook.

Oxfam screwed him over pretty badly.

Neither of us have slept with anyone else. Except me, cos I lied

If I won the lottery I’d put £200 on my Oyster card.

…yeah, but it’s just set too low. Why should the rest of us freeze just ‘coz she’s a fat bitch?

I don’t understand why you can’t smoke. It’s an overground station and you’re outside.
 
Just tell him you’re now seeing someone else so you can’t go out with him tonight.
 
She’s very competitive. Even in bed.

Have you seen the Cornish flag? It’s ridiculous.

He was the only one who had a Lynx Bullet. I was really impressed.

Newcastle is a really nice city. They’ve done it up.
 
Jack, you’ve got a bit of tin foil on your arse.

Oh no, it’s alright! Just didn’t want to say ‘I love you’ out loud in the tube!

Mummy! I want to do my sit ups!
 
You probably shouldn’t take more than five aspirin at a time.
 
It’s not a conspiracy. It’s too stupid for that.   

No, I don’t like rolls, too much bread in them.

Dad, is this a tubular train?
 
Well, I thought a brooch would have made a nice Xmas present in a kind of retro, ironic sense, but she asked for the receipt. Bitch.
 
They’re “Inspire” by New Look. That means that they’re fat girl’s trousers.
 
It’s not racist because chavs aren’t a race.
 
These are people who regularly go on holiday to Zurich. 

My boyfriend is so much younger than me. I’m nineteen and a half and he’s only eighteen.

She’s named her goldfish “cod”
 
Don’t worry. Someone is bound to have a Swiss Army Knife.

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