…I was travelling home with my girlfriend. The carriage was busy and so I sat on her knee. Opposite us were a group of two boys and one girl who were about 16 or 17. The boys both wore matching grey Duffer of St George tracksuits and sideways caps. Sitting next to them was a woman, let’s call her Rita, who was in her mid to late 30s, looked fairly posh with a shawl draped over her shoulders and glasses perched on her head. She was reading Psychologies magazine.

The journey began uneventfully… and then this happened:

Boy 1 [to Rita]: Excuse me, do you live in London?
Rita: Yes I do
Boy 1: Do you know of any jobs in the music industry?
Rita: No, I am afraid not
Boy 1 [to me]: Excuse me do you live in London?
Me: Yes
Boy 1: Do you know of any jobs in modelling?
Me: No I am afraid not
Boy 1: Is that your sister?
Me: No
Boy 2 [whispering intently]: Holy shit man, is that your girlfriend?
Me: Yes
Boy 2: Shit man I knew it! I fucking knew it. Shit man.
Me: Have you ever seen a lesbian before?
Boy 1, boy 2 and girl: Noooooo
Boy 2: Do you want to have a threesome with us?
Me: No thank you
Me: So what are you doing in London?
Boy 2: Looking for a job man, we can sing and model do you know of anything at all?
Me: No, sorry
Boy 1: What do you do?
Me: I make websites
Girl: [no hint of irony] Did you make Google?
Me: No, I didn’t make that one
Rita: [Laughs and puts away her Psychologies magazine]
Boy 1: [To Rita] Do you make websites too?
Rita: No I work for a museum
Boy 2: Have you got a boyfriend?
Rita: Yes, well no. I suppose I do kind of
Boy 1: Do you want to go out with me instead?
Rita: [standing up] Oh darn it, this is my stop and that conversation was just getting interesting
Boy 2: Stay on the tube with us then man
Rita: Oh, okay then [sits back down]
Boy 1: Where do you live?
Rita: Bethnal Green, the stop we just went past. Where are you staying?
Boy 2: We are staying at my cousin’s place in Mile End
Rita: Oh, that’s the next stop
Boy 2: Have you ever had a threesome?
Rita: No, well yes. Well kind of once
Boy 2: Do you want one tonight?
Rita: Now this conversation is really getting interesting. Do you have any wine?
Boy 1: No but we got cider and beer
Girl: Will you buy us some wine?
Rita: Yes, okay
Boy 1: So you are coming back with us then?
Rita: Yes, sure. Why not.

Rita, Boy 1, Boy 2 and the girl all then got off the tube together at Mile End. Oh to be a fly on the wall in Mile End that night…!