Another non-London blog I am afraid, but if anybody is looking for a place to stay in Ibiza email me and I can put you in touch with a lovely woman with a fabulous apartment.

So here is an account of our antics last week, or at least the things I remember…

The hen party

Wow it really couldn’t have been better. A lovely, relaxing day at Sun Sea bar sipping cocktails, chatting and laughing a great deal followed by my favourite food in my favourite restaurant and then my favourite club!

The restaurant was KM5 and it was the first time I got to experience it properly. The last time I visited I was a poor, skinny club flyerer who hid cartons of Capri-sun in my pants in order to stay hydrated in clubs.

In those days I ate to survive rather than for enjoyment and couldn’t afford to actually eat or drink at KM5 – I was more likely to be found sat in the garden with a nutri-grain bar and a hip flask of vodka.

The food was stunning, the girls made lovely speeches about me and my wife to be and we all got very merry. Then it was party time with an awesome set from Eddie Halliwell, new friends, fantastic atmosphere and, of course, the ice cannon which we enjoyed commando 😉

No wonder we are smiling

If Carlsberg made hen parties I doubt it could even come close to how good it was. Thanks again ladies for the most fun night of my life!

The 2,000 euro champagne bill

This was paid by some some pleasant Dutch men. As soon as we got to Ushuaia they ushered us into the VIP area to feed us bottle after bottle of Veuve Cliquot and fresh strawberries.

More champagne? Don’t mind if I do

I was imagining two of the girls would have to take one for the team and snog them but they appeared to have no ulterior motive apart from simple friendliness. We all danced by the pool, chatted, and partied the day and night away then everyone got naked and ran into the sea apart from me and one other who went for a pizza instead.

Mysteries and keenos

Oh so it turned out one of the girls did cop off at Ushuaia after all. All names are changed in this blog and she is known only as “Susannah”, the one classy bird of the group who refuses to kiss and tell, no matter how much we all pestered her.

The Life Coach of the group summed up her personality type as a “beauty” – Beauties are calm and serene; they sit back and take in their surroundings with an air of elegance and grace. Even Beauties have their off days though, and her classic quote of the holiday was hollered across the pool at SunSea Bar:

“Fuck off I am polite!”

Another one of the ladies, we’ll call her Sasha, pulled at Cream. These are the text messages she received the following day:

Hey Sasha, it’s Jeremy. Remember me from last night? What are you up to?

Hey Sasha it’s Jeremy, think we are going to Space tonight! Are you coming?

Hey it’s Jeremy, just to let you know we are definitely going to Space! Hope to see you there!

Hello Sasha? It’s Jeremy, are you receiving my texts ok? Just off to Space, are you coming?

Hey Sasha, Space is great!! Come??

Hi Sasha, just to let you know we have some pills!!! Are you coming to Space?

Hi Nick, do you know if Sasha is coming to Space?

Sorry – that text was meant for my friend Nick!

Hey are you here??

Hey Sasha, we’re still at Space if you fancy coming??

Hey Sasha, didn’t see you at Space last night, what are you up to for the rest of the holiday? Fancy meeting up?

The 30th birthday

The birthday girl had a previous premonition of spending her 30th on a boat, so it was bizarre that the clock struck midnight just as the water taxi set off from the bay to bring us home from chilling at hippy restaurant Kumharas. We all sang happy birthday while the captain blasted out disco music and flicked the lights on and off. Yay!

Another boat ride was in store after her delicious home made cake and a crazy “goodbye 20s” dance in the apartment. “It’s over for me, it’s over for me, darling I love you but can’t you see it’s over for me…” lala

We didn’t forget to get her a cake, honestly

We sailed over to Cala Bassa, and splashed out on cocktails, 12 euro sun loungers and the poshest egg and chips in the world (truffle infused, poached and decorated with unidentifiable, sparkly vegetables) and posed in the sea.

During our evening meal at Pacha, there were lovely speeches from the girls including how the birthday girl had specifically set out to befriend the new girls at school, is always a joy to be around and is a good, kind and rather wonderful person. There were a few hugs and happy tears and then we danced the night away yet again to Tiesto.

It was a busy week. Aside from the notable times above there were topless American Marines, sunsets, sex talk, David’s pizza, Magnums of Cava, winning the football (twice), crazy hard house dancing, fillet steaks, skinny dipping, bad singing and lots and lots of laughing.

We all got on ever so well and I managed to complete the entire holiday without fainting, crying or vomiting which is a new personal best.

Big love to you ladies for the best week ever xxx