1. Bus and tube seat psychopaths

Psychopaths have no empathy and a lot of them hang out on the 257 bus from Walthamstow to Stratford. They sit on the outer bus seat rather than the window seat and if you are seated next to them they like spreading their thighs across both seats so you practically fall on the floor.

A tube seat psychopath in action. Nb they do usually wear trousers.

I have noticed these swines on the outer seat deliberately avoid eye contact when I get on the bus, perhaps because my eye contact is screaming at them “Erm, hello I don’t particularly want to sit next to you either but it is better than standing up so SHOVE OVER”. When I look pointedly at the vacant seat they are blocking they very rarely shove over. If I am lucky they will move their legs approximately 2 cm into the aisle meaning I have the choice of standing up or clambering over their lap to get to the seat.

2. The lack of toilet paper or toilet seats at East London bars and clubs.

I know you are an edgy establishment and all but seriously, if we must hover over the bare, cracked toilet bowl can you not at least spare a fiver a night for a multipack of Andrex? Yes 93 Feet East I mean you.

Sort it out

3. Wheelie suitcases.

I do in fact own a small, hand luggage-friendly suitcase that is very useful for weekend excursions and saves me carrying a heavy shoulder bag. For my own personal use they are absolutely fine. In the hands of everybody else in London they are really frigging annoying. Why, good people of London, do you meander through the crowded streets trailing your suitcase all over the place in blissful ignorance of the fact it is tripping up everybody in your wake?

She has nice legs so I don't mind.

4. Lack of spontaneity

It’s Sunday, I’m hungry. Let’s go for Sunday lunch!

Let’s imagine you have this idea at 11am on Sunday, ample time to organise and participate in a lovely Sunday lunch with your mates. Deciding on a location will be tricky, Gemma from Clapham and Mike from Putney won’t come if it’s north, nobody else will come if it’s south. East Londoners will whinge that West London is too expensive, West Londoners will moan that the east is too skanky. Nobody will want to go central as it reminds them of going to work.

You settle on somewhere fairly neutral like Angel.

You set off for Angel at 12.00 noon. When you arrive at your tube station you find the Northern Line is closed for engineering works so you walk 20 minutes to the Victoria Line, take the tube to Highbury & Islington with the idea of catching a bus along Upper Street to Angel. So far so good. Unfortunately Upper Street is one huge traffic jam and the bus doesn’t move. You stay on it for half an hour then decide to get off and walk for half an hour to Angel.

By this time it is 1.45pm and you are feeling hungry and a little fractious. It is disheartening to discover that everybody else in London has decided to go for Sunday lunch in Angel as well.

It takes your group an hour to find a pub with a table and you still have to wait for it to become free. If you are lucky you will get your meal by 4pm and it will probably be the last scraps of meat with a tiny thimbleful of gravy served by a rude waitress in an overcrowded, noisy, hectic environment. You pay £16 a head, not including any drinks, and then walk all the way back along Upper Street to get the tube home.

Is it any wonder that us non-Londoners get a little irritable and anti-social at times?

5. Honkers

Have you ever driven in London? I don’t recommend it. Hesitate for half a second at a junction “HONK” switch lanes “HONK”, hold back rather than run over and kill a cyclist “HONK”. If you don’t let other cars out of a junction they honk you, if you do let them out then the cars behind you honk you. Pedestrians aren’t safe either, I got honked today crossing Bishopsgate… at a pedestrian crossing!

Please can you put these all around London Boris Johnson?

Have a good weekend one and all. Hope you all get a seat, some loo roll, a shoulder bag, a lovely Sunday lunch and a peaceful journey home. I know I won’t but I still love you London.

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