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Who picks their nose on the toilet at work and wipes their bogeys on the side of the cubicle. At my work it is always on the left hand side and so I have deduced the culprit must be left-handed.

Who orders a starter, fillet steak, dessert, lots and lots of wine and then a cocktail or two while dining out in a group and then suggests everyone splits the bill.

Who has 1.5 sugars and is very particular about the strength of their tea which is made for them eight times a day during the tea round, yet only makes tea for themself when they visit the kitchen.

Who refuses to give up their seat on the tube even though the poor old dear has two broken legs and is 98-years-old.

Who comments on the food you are eating, “Oh what’s that you’re eating? That looks interesting” and you have to answer politely “oh it’s just a little hummus” when you really want to say “It’s fucking hummus you moron and there is nothing interesting about it”


Who borrows a fiver off you and forgets to pay it back and you feel tight for asking because it’s only a fiver.

Who updates their Facebook status with stuff like “Is absolutely fuming” or “Feels seriously let down” but then does not go on to explain what has happened. Even after receiving 25 comments saying “Gosh are you okay?”, the attention seeker remains frustratingly quiet.  You have my full attention damn attention-seeker! I am dying to find out what has happened – don’t tease me!

Who replies all to emails with words such as “No worries”, “thank you” or “okay”

Who posts lengthy status updates on Facebook about their husband’s toenail fungus, baby’s feeding habits and their menstrual cycle.

Who will take all of the above seriously and find it offensive.