Almost every day I receive an email from Guardian Soulmates trying to convince me back onto their dating website.  When I initially subscribed I was newly single so took a deep breath and signed up for six whole months, at vast expense.

I went on one date, with a lawyer, to the Dean Street Townhouse and the bill was enough to feed a poor African village for a month. We didn’t really hit it off, she never called and I got back with my girlfriend within two weeks. It wasn’t the greatest use of my hard-earned cash.

I just logged in to unsubscribe from their email list and decided to make myself cringe by checking out the straight men:

How not to attract a woman:

“Serve the public trust. Protect the innocent. Uphold the law” That, by the way, is the motto of Robocop – my favourite ever 80’s action film. It’s a bit of a mouthful but I figured that, on balance, it was probably better than his other catchphrase; “Dead or alive, you’re coming with me”. Wouldn’t really set the right tone.

I hate you already, you pretentious twat:

I normally draw musical inspiration more from the likes of BBC 6 Music than Kenny and co. (over exposure to Radio 2 during formative years to blame there) and still don’t think I could go out with anyone who had the  entire Robbie Williams back catalogue in her CD collection. Non-negotiable.

What an opener:

Every time I start filling these things in I instantly loose motivation and my mind starts wondering and I normally give up, well apart from this time. However it will still probably be half hearted and lack  conviction.

Oh boys, boys boys I know you mean well but girls do not enjoy having your dirty carbs forced upon them:

I love home made sandwiches and will gladly make them for people even when they don’t really want one. I call  them super-sandwiches.

This was my favourite and made my toes curl the most:  

Full disclosure: I’m a loser and a weirdo, but wear it well. I don’t really fancy portraying myself as earthy, as I’ve just had a shower. I thought about feigning sophistication and certainty, but I bought some flumps instead. Maybe I could have a stab at being inaccessible yet adorable? Still a bit too cold for that.

There is a whole box dedicated to what they are looking for in a woman. I wish this guy the best of luck:

You don’t mind getting dirty. You laugh a lot, and have something of the little girl left in you. You’re slow to anger and quick with compassion. And, perhaps above all, you exercise grace, patience, and forgiveness.  When life dishes out dirt, you can shrug it off and roll with the punches, and then reach for an espresso martini and put it behind you.

And in case you were wondering, he is short and plump with rather a big nose.