Like much of the UK population, I have been trying to make sense of the last few days.
To take my mind off politics I have written a short story. Any resemblance to real-life events is entirely a coincidence…
Unce upon a time lived a stroppy teenager called Brexit. He has a twin sister Leftie, a mum Dave Cameron and a dad Nigel Farage.
They all live in house called Mingland with two lodgers, a cook called Matheo and a cleaner called Lena. Mingland is part of a larger estate called the Eee-Yoo.
Leftie loves living on the Eee-Yoo estate. She has loads of friends nearby and her boyfriend lives a few streets away. She regularly stays at their houses and they come and stay in Mingland.
Brexit likes to get pissed over his mate Spain’s house now and again but generally prefers to keep himself to himself.
Brexit hasn’t been happy for a while because he doesn’t trust the lodgers, Matheo and Lena.
Leftie likes having lodgers and appreciates all they do for the household but nobody takes much notice of Leftie.
Dave and Leftie have tried explaining to Brexit that having lodgers is pleasant and useful. For example, before Brexit was born, a builder came to stay who built a fantastic extension and a gardener had spent ages digging up and planting the Mingland garden.
Dave half-heartedly tried to tell Brexit that Mingland was a much nicer place to live due to all the hard work the lodgers had put in but Brexit wasn’t buying it.
Despite Matheo being a friendly live-in cook who brought free food from his house in the Eee-Yoo and Lena the cleaner who kept Mingland spotless, Brexit was suspicious of the lodgers.
They paid their rent on time and kept Mingland lovely but Brexit felt they wanted to take over his parent’s house and start imposing their own rules and ideas on the household.
Every now and again, a lodger would come and stay in Mingland from the Eee-Yoo estate who took the piss. A few lodgers hadn’t paid their rent on time, a few took food from the fridge without asking and left the living room a mess. Some had even had their friends to stay without permission. Although, this only happened occasionally, Brexit started to resent and hate all lodgers.
Brexit sat his parents Dave and Nigel down for a serious talk. He told them he was deeply unhappy and the lodgers had to leave.
Brexit felt that Mingland was already full and he was sick of having to queue for the shower every morning. He wanted Matheo and Lena out of the house and for it just to be the four of them.
At mentioned before, Leftie gets on brilliantly with Matheo and Lena and wants them to stay in Mingland, but nobody listens to Leftie.
Nigel listens gravely to Brexit’s concerns and tells Brexit he doesn’t like having the lodgers either (even though he married one of them). He promises Brexit that something will be done to deal with the lodgers.
However David puts his fingers in his ears and goes ‘LALALALA’ whenever Brexit mentions the lodgers. This makes Brexit furious.
He told Dave and Nigel;
“I am so unhappy with these lodgers, Dave and Nigel, that I am going to kill myself”
Nigel says to Brexit, “Okay Brexit, what a great idea to kill yourself. Let me help you. I will buy you the poison.”
Dave was shocked and said, “Brexit please! Don’t kill yourself! We can deal with the lodger problem separately without you committing suicide. Please just wait a year and I promise we will have no more lodgers. If you still want to kill yourself in a year’s time then we can talk about it again.”
A year passes and Dave pretended the conversation with Brexit hadn’t happened. He invited more lodgers to come and stay in Mingland.
This time the lodgers were from another estate that Brexit had never heard of. They were fleeing from a psychotic murderer and desperately pleaded with Dave and Nigel to save their lives.
Nigel didn’t want to take them in. He whispered in Brexit’s ear that if they were fleeing from a murderer, they were likely to be murderers themselves. Brexit was terrified.
Dave wasn’t keen on having more lodgers but he allowed the ones running from the murderer to sleep in the basement of Mingland and fed them bread and water. Leftie wanted to invite them up into the house. She pointed out they could also help out with the cooking and cleaning. But, as usual, nobody listened to Leftie.
Brexit felt neglected. He wanted Dave’s attention and was resentful of the time Dave spent with the lodgers. He didn’t want any more lodgers coming to stay. He was frightened of them and wanted them out the basement. He believed the only way to get them out would be to do something drastic and completely cut Mingland off from the rest of the Eee-Yoo estate.
Nigel kept whispering in Brexit’s ear, “You can still kill yourself. Only six months until you can kill yourself. That will resolve the lodger problem.”
Once a year has passed, Dave buys Brexit a knife and says, “I strongly recommend you don’t kill yourself, but here’s a knife just in case you decide to go ahead.”
Brexit doesn’t really want to die but is so angry and frustrated with Dave not listening to him about the lodger problem that he goes upstairs and cuts his wrists. The wounds are deep. Brexit bleeds.
“Well done Brexit”, praises Nigel. “You have finally taken control of your own destiny.”
Dave is horrified. “Brexit! How could you do this when I told you not to! I can’t cope with this anymore! I don’t want to be your mother!”
Nigel reassures Brexit, “Don’t worry, I’ve got your back Brexit. I have your best interests at heart.”
Dave can’t handle the stress anymore and leaves Mingland. Nigel invites his new lover Boris to move in.
Boris and Nigel quickly eject the cook and the cleaner from Mingland and tell them not to come back. Nigel, Boris, Brexit and Leftie are left to fend for themselves. Unfortunately none of them know how to cook or clean so the house gets pretty dirty and they don’t eat nice food. Boris breaks the shower so they have to wash in the sink, but they are basically okay.
Then Boris tells Leftie she has to split up with her boyfriend and stop seeing her other friends on the Eee-Yoo estate. Leftie cries bitterly. Boris tells her not to worry, she can always make new, different friends on the Eee-Yoo estate at some arbitrary point in the future . “But I want the friends I have already got!” sobs Leftie. Boris calls her a ‘sore loser’.
Brexit tells Leftie to stop making such a fuss and she should focus on making Mingland great again. Leftie tells Brexit to fuck off and Mingland was fine before Brexit messed it all up with his stupid suicide attempt and Boris broke the shower. Brexit calls Leftie a ‘sore loser’.
Leftie feels sorry for her brother and tries to reassure him that he didn’t know what he was doing when he cut his wrists and started this whole mess. Brexit tells her to fuck off and to stop patronising him. Leftie loses her temper and calls him a moron. They stop speaking.
Boris goes to visit Matheo who used to be a lodger and cook in Mingland. He spends a lot of Mingland’s savings on buying the cook’s food and brings it back to Mingland.
“See, what were you all worried about?” Boris says, “I told you everything would be fine without Matheo. Look Brexit, you don’t have to queue for the shower anymore!”
“But, Boris, the shower is broken” Brexit replied, “We haven’t been able to use the shower in months.”
“But I have a private shower” Boris replied. “Maybe you should think about getting a private shower too, Brexit”
The rest of the Eee-Yoo estate glance through the windows of Mingland every now and again, wondering how they are getting on.
Nigel proudly ruffles Brexie’s hair, “Look at our lad, he’s fine! Everyone thought he would die when he cut his wrists but he’s fine. I don’t know why everyone got so upset.”
Leftie misses her Eee-Yoo friends desperately and they all have to work a lot harder now the cook and cleaner have gone and the rent isn’t coming in from the lodgers but they all have to get on with it. It’s a struggle but they survive.
The lodgers in the basement have nowhere to go so Nigel and Boris whinge about the bread and water they have to feed them, just to make them feel shit about themselves.
They decide to blame all the problems in Mingland on the lodgers in the basement.
Mingland is a pretty nasty household and nobody on the Eee-Yoo estate wants to associate with them anymore.
“That Leftie is alright” they say to each other, “but the parents and that Brexit kid are completely mad. Let’s not invite them over again.”
Boris reassures Brexit that everyone at Mingland is great friends with everyone on the Eee-Yoo estate. Brexit wants to believe him but starts to realise his parents and Boris rarely tell the truth.
15 years pass.
Brexit is starting to get bored in Mingland. Nigel and Boris are constantly squabbling and Leftie has decamped to attic and wants nothing more to do with him. The sky is grey.
He goes and knocks on the door of old mate Spain and asks if he can come and stay for a bit. He wouldn’t mind a bit of sunshine and paella.
“Sorry mate” comes the reply, “You can’t come and stay. To be honest our friendship was always a bit one-sided. You were happy to come over here and drink my booze and eat my food but you never tidied up after yourself and never invited me back to Mingland. So get stuffed.”
“But I didn’t realise I would be so miserable!” Cries Brexit. “I trusted my parents and they let me down. Please let us be friends and start again?”
“Tough” Spain replies, and slams the door in his face.
Brexit goes home to Mingland. He makes himself some beans on toast and waves his union jack flag. He and rubs the scars on his wrist and looks out the window at Spain and Germany. They are drinking beers, kicking a football about and laughing. They spot Brexit staring through the window and give him the finger and turn their backs.
Brexit starts to cry and wonders why life has treated him so unfairly.